재.

Today i went through some confused shit bcos of a joke. I was asked whether i wanted to pass EXO a gift and i said yes. (that was the the joke- actually getting an artiste, my favourite artistes to receive my gift & letters) I stayed up to write a heck-long letter for Kai in korean. After arriving at the hotel, they tried to help me to ask exo’s manager whether i could give my gift personally to jongin. My hopes grew beyond imagination. From a simple gift-giving and seeing them up close, to getting signatures and a group selca with them. This is perhaps already a deep state of delusion. I waited and was so nervous and worked up i hyperventilated. I thought that i was really lucky, even though it seemed stalkerish/ sasaeng, i would never ever have this chance again. So i foolishly believed it was possible till the chief of security told me no. Honestly i even wondered whether they even did ask exo’s manager/staff. Why would they even go to such lengths for a normal enthusiastic fan (who’s also their staff)? why the hell would they. I kinda felt lied to and cheated and angry and rejection and depressed when i was shot down. They raised my hopes up and crushed them and that’s perhaps the worse thing they can do to a long-time dedicated fan. It was my own wishful thinking too but that act simply was too cruel. So i was mad and miserable for a good 2 hours; then i fucking built a bridge over exo and climbed it. Im over being a starry-eyed overboard delulu stan. I did even wonder just now if what i was doing was sasaeng-ish. They offered me a better joke with the “give-them-personally” (a.k.a personal fanmeet) card and i took the bait like a starving grizzly bear. How could i not, a fan from debut who hasn’t got any tickets. (sold out in an instant and i have no money to pay extra for evil casual resellers who bulked bought.) It wouldn’t settle well with me if i bought a Cat 2 ticket for a $100> increase in the original price when the seats are the worse of the category; no matter how desperate i was. (and i was pretty fucking desperate). Kai’s face being stuck in my mind for a whole week, my imagination escalated so much (delulu side-effects) - i actually hallucinated and thought we had taken a selca together.

So after i stopped being a desperate creepy whiny bitch for Exo, i have to make this how-to for stans who suspect they are going delulu:

HOW TO NOT BE DELULU/ HOW TO STAN LESS CRAZILY

Delulu/ noun; verb

A delusional fan girl/boy who believes they can/will end up with their favourite idol or celebrity and invest an unhealthy amount of time and energy into said idol.

1. Do NOT listen to their songs on replay 24/7 and memorise k-gibberish

2. Do NOT put them as your wallpaper and kiss the screen before bed

3. Do NOT go on a RT spree with fantakens or previews or oppas (seeing their flawless faces will increase the need to touch the faces or cry about it/ think about their skin non-stop)

4. Do NOT search their name on the internet/ youtube/newssites/ social media

5. Do NOT reblog 5000 photos of oppas, also don’t visit your “___” tags or archives (you will relive many eras of feels and you don’t want that to add to the delulu)

6. When you dream of them, that’s a sign that you should stop flooding your mind with thoughts of them. To cure these delulu dreams, read jane eyre to bed.

7. Do NOT risk your safety running after vans/buses.(or hire stalking vans). Your life is worth more than a sweaty blurry picture of a tinted window.

8. Do NOT book hotel rooms in which idols are staying at. That’s high level delulu and your money could be used more wisely- like saving for more concerts.

9. Do NOT buy a fuckload of albums to get the photocard you want or unnecessary merch or buy everything that your idol endorses/ their face/ name is on. Merch aren’t worth the money in the long while, they are just broken souvenirs. Buying products that they endorse are only not stupid if you use them. (Nature Republic ahem)

10. Do NOT attempt to touch or hurt or throw stuff at oppas, if you’re within 5 metres of them or even 20 metres, do not risk their safety (or your safety) by stampeding the area. (otherwise you’ll get punched or slapped by EXO manager/security)

11. Do NOT abuse, verbally (virtually) or physically to other fans and do not hate on each other or their biases. You will cause World War III and then die by and overdose of frustration, hate and negative feelings which will suffocate you. 

12. A sign that you’re over-stanning is over-protectiveness. Don’t hate on everyone(other groups) who are not your oppas.

13. Another sign is literally preaching your idol’s greatness to everyone and forcing them to like your oppas. (“Say you’ll like them or i’ll cut your hair off!”)

How to get over oppa/ unstanning motivations:

-Think about your life. do you even have one?

-It doesn’t revolve around oppa, you aren’t their PA or manager or staff.

-They don’t know who you are, they won’t remember you anyways.

-The fangirl phase is temporary, you’ll grow out of it.

-Yours friends are moving on with their lives, you should too

-Watching korean dramas and variety shows, listening to korean music won’t make you any smarter

-You can’t understand without subs you dummy.

-Don’t procrastinate and fail at school, social life etc.

-There’s is life outside the computer screen, go and get it.

I made this post kinda to remind myself not to go overboard with liking oppas too much and neglecting my own life. Sometimes i want to step out of this cruel cycle of feels and rewind to when i hadn’t stepped into the kpop realm. It would’ve been so much easier on my pocket and my stress levels. But then again, kpop has brought my old friends closer and made me many new friends whom i can rely on. Fangirl-ing is universal, in any language. Fandoms and oppas are an escape from reality, i just lose myself in it. Its really hard to escape but not impossible. I’ll see where it goes from now but i guess i’ll still always like them :’)

J